


you could at least have told me you were a gemini

by picturecat



Category: Marvel Adventures: Avengers
Genre: Everyone Thinks They're Together, Identity Porn, M/M, Secret Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 14:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15172769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picturecat/pseuds/picturecat
Summary: A Marvel Adventures: Avengers story. The Avengers face a giant labyrinth. More personally, Captain America faces his crush.





	you could at least have told me you were a gemini

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cptxrogers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cptxrogers/gifts).



> This is kind of hodge-podged from a few of my giftee’s prompts. It’s set in Marvel Adventures: Avengers, but I tweaked it a little to give Tony a secret identity in this ‘verse. 
> 
> If you haven’t read Marvel Adventures, first of all you should. It’s a sweeter and happier canon than most. Second, all you really need to know is that Janet in MA goes by Giant Girl, not the Wasp, and uses Pym Particles to grow instead of shrink, and that the team line-up mostly consists of Storm and Cap as co-leaders, Wolverine, Spider-Man, Giant Girl, Iron Man, and Hulk, with Tigra and Luke Cage joining in later issues and Hawkeye and Black Widow showing up on occasion. 
> 
> I tried to keep this in the spirit of Marvel Adventures: kind of episodal, a little corny, not terribly threatening villains, and no swear words. :)

SUPER-ROMANCE BOMBSHELL!!

CAP AND IRON MAN’S SECRET TRYST— SECRET IDENTITIES, SECRET LOVE, SECRET BABY! JUICY DETAILS FROM AN ASTONISHING SOURCE! PG. 36!

Generally speaking, Captain America was not one for reading tabloids. His team members could all attest to his very strong feelings on journalistic ethics and respect for the private lives of public figures. 

Spider-Man could recite parts of Cap’s spiel like a kid reciting the pledge of allegiance. 

So it was that on this day, instead of merely rolling his eyes or clenching that patriotic jaw as he usually would, Steve Rogers glanced furtively around the Avengers Mansion kitchen before picking up the offending article of journalism. 

A baby? He mouthed incredulously to himself, flipping to the article. 

He squinted. There was a close-up image of the Iron Man armor’s very flat abdomen, with the words BABY BUMP in bold white letters. 

He skimmed the article, searching for any hint of logic. The gist of it all seemed to be that Iron Man was secretly a woman, the incontrovertible evidence for that being a quote from someone identified only as an “armor expert,” saying that boob plates are ineffective as armor. 

“Using Iron Man as an alter ego would be a pretty solid smokescreen for a woman trying to hide her secret identity,” the article read.

This wasn’t untrue, Steve supposed, a little uncomfortably. He’d never really considered it before now— was that sexist? 

“I’d recognize that furrow in your brow anywhere,” a dry voice said. “What are you doing picking up a tabloid, Cap?”

Steve didn’t startle, but only because he’d heard the gentle shuffle of feet on a carpet beforehand. 

“Mr. Stark!”

“Tony,” the other man corrected, shooting Steve a warning glance from under unfairly long eyelashes. Steve’s heart did something flighty in his chest, a feeling like arrhythmia— although of course he didn’t have to worry about that anymore. 

“Tony, of course,” Steve smiled, dropping the tabloid back on the table. “And, well. The headlines were ridiculous enough to hook even me, I guess.”

Tony leaned over the table to read the front page, and had a-- a face journey, Peter would call it. First he blinked a lot, his ears going pink, and then his mouth dropped partially open. He glanced up at the ceiling in a god-help-me kind of way, his lips pressed tightly together as if containing laughter, and finally looked down and saw something-- probably the “baby bump”-- and burst into peals of hysterical laughter.

Steve found himself grinning, despite the earlier discomfort the rag had given him. Seeing Tony Stark in casual clothing was rare enough, but the display of genuine emotion was as charming as any of his suave outfits.

“I’ll say,” Tony chuckled.

“I don’t know why we even have that here,” Steve said, rubbing the back of his neck. Tony, still grinning, moved over the the coffee machine, pulling a mug down from the cupboard.

“I expect I ordered it,” he said. “It’s the Saturday Sun, it’s not a real tabloid. It’s parody.”

“Ah,” Steve said, with no small amount of relief. “That does explain it.”

Tony pressed a button on his shiny chrome coffee machine and turned around, leaning back against the counter. “Don’t worry, Cap,” he smiled warmly, “no need to fight the Fourth Estate today.”

“There’s the Fourth Estate, and then there’s tabloid writers,” Steve grimaced. “I’m not sure they belong in the same category.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Tony said, and tipped his fresh mug of coffee in Steve’s direction before taking a long sip. Steve couldn’t help but wince, knowing full well how hot that machine made coffee, but Tony didn’t even flinch. “What’s on your agenda for today, Cap?”

“Well,” he said slowly, thinking a little. “A sandwich, first off. Want one?” He opened the fridge, pulling out ingredients.

“Sure thing.” Tony smiled at him, pleased, and Steve did his best to breathe through the flutters.

He assembled Tony’s sandwich first, using the turkey Jarvis had picked up from a deli. “Tomato and mayonnaise, but no mustard, right?” he asked.

Tony nodded. “Yeah. You’ve seen Jarvis do this a few times, I guess.”

“Couldn’t learn from anyone better,” Steve grinned. “Hey, we have that avocado spread. Do you--”

“Yes. God, I thought Hulk was chugging that stuff or something.”

“”No,” Steve snorted. “I just had to hide it from Spider-Man and Giant Girl. I caught them putting it on vanilla ice cream the other day.”

Tony slouched forward on the table, propping his head up on his hand. “Wow. Just… wow.”

“They put chopped pecans and shredded chocolate on it, too,” Steve said, sliding a plate in front of Tony. “It was strangely compelling, to be honest. But I had to draw a line somewhere, and it was that or come home one day to find them making candles with it.”

“You probably could order an avocado sundae somewhere in the city,” Tony pointed out, gesturing with the sandwich. 

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” Steve said, and sat down across from Tony with his own sandwich. “Say, I was thinking-- would you like to get dinner with me sometime?”

Tony froze with his sandwich halfway to his mouth, staring at Steve with wide and unblinking eyes.

Steve felt his ears go pink. “To talk about the Avengers! I had some thoughts about, uh. Starting a program for reserve members.”

Way to chicken out, Rogers. 

Tony was still staring, not moving even as an onion fell out of his sandwich.

“Captain?” Storm popped into the kitchen, holding her phone. “We’ve got a situation. Mr. Stark, if you would contact Iron Man?”

Privately, Steve couldn’t help but think that for once, an emergency was convenient.

 

“That helmet your boss made for Bruce sounds like a dream,” Janet commented, watching Bruce smile goofily at nothing, the VR helmet he always wore on long flights covering his eyes. “What does it show him, anyway?”

“Relaxing stuff. It has lots of options: beaches, waterfalls, hot springs,” Iron Man responded, straight-backed in the Quinjet’s co-pilot seat. “I think Bruce favors the fly-fishing program.”

“Eurgh,” Janet wrinkled her nose. “I don’t understand how anyone could choose that over a nice, virtual spa day.”

“Some people like a little nature with their nature, Giant Girl,” Logan snorted. 

“I’m with GG on this one,” Spider-Man said. “Everyone knows nature isn’t really relaxing without mosquitos.”

“Do you want to get this Quinjet ride back on track with a briefing, Captain?” Storm asked from the pilot’s seat. 

“Sure thing,” he agreed, and pulled out a StarkTab. “As we heard earlier, the Mall of America has been turned into an enormous labyrinth-- or perhaps replaced with one. Whatever happened, it took barely a minute, and the entire thing was obscured by purple mist.”

“Sounds like magic,” Spidey said.

Steve nodded. “The only communication from the suspected perpetrator was a riddle signed by ‘The Enigma.’ Twelve minutes ago, a SHIELD team solved it, and gained entrance.”

The Quinjet’s holoprojector slid down from the ceiling, whirring to life as a video recording started to play on the hard light surface: a team of SHIELD agents struggling in the grips of writhing purple tentacles, their guns littering the floor.

“So the labyrinth is riddled with traps,” Spidey said. “Imagine that.”

“Well, if there’s ballroom dancing and a goblin king, I might be in,” Janet joked.

Steve blinked, knowing he was making what Iron Man had dubbed his “man out of time” face. Sure enough, Iron Man caught his expression and nodded to get his attention. “It’s from a movie called The Labryinth,” he said. “We’ll catch you up, Cap, don’t worry.”

Steve smiled wryly. “Thanks, Shellhead.” He tapped at the tablet, pulling up a new image on the holoprojector. “The mist from earlier has dissipated, but there’s an opaque and apparently impenetrable barrier blocking the view from above.”

“ETA?” Logan grunted.

“Eighteen minutes,” Storm called. 

There was a brief, comfortable silence; everyone mentally prepping for battle. As usual, the silence was broken by Spider-Man.

“At least this time it’s not ninjas.”

 

They landed in a part of the mall’s parking lot that had been cleared out by SHIELD, setting down next to an ambulance. Across from Steve in the Quinjet, Janet tapped on Bruce’s shoulder, alerting him to their landing.

“Thank you for coming, Avengers,” a woman in SHIELD gear greeted them, reaching out to shake Storm’s hand, then Cap’s. “As you can see, this is a little beyond SHIELD’s paygrade.”

“Do we know what happened to the people who were in the Mall when this happened?” Steve asked, eyeing the labyrinth. It was gray and massive, several stories tall and made out of something that looked like smooth, shiny stone.

“Not yet,” the agent said. “There’s been no sign of anyone inside, and no contact received from any of the people we’ve confirmed were inside at the time. Texts, calls, smoke signals, anything.”

“We’ll take it from here, agent,” Storm said, placing a hand on the woman’s shoulder. “Anything else we need to know?”

“You can expect the tentacles to be triggered 200 feet from the entrance. That’s as far as we’ve gotten.” She nodded at the labyrinth. “Good luck, Avengers.”

“Do you guys want me to sit this one out?” Bruce asked, squinting up at the massive dark entrance of the labyrinth. 

“Not if you’re up to it,” Steve said. “If there are going to be more riddles, we could use all the brainpower we’ve got.”

“But try and stay back from the fight unless it’s really dire,” Storm advised, taking the lead through the entrance as they all walked into the dark.

“I’ve got vision filters in my mask,” Iron Man said. “Can everybody else see all right?”

“I’m good,” Spidey said. Logan grunted.

“It’s dim, but we’re adjusting,” Storm said. “There’s some kind of ambient light, although there doesn’t seem to be a source.”

“We’re approaching 200 feet,” Cap said. “Get ready.”

No sooner had he spoken than enormous tentacles appeared on the walls in a brief flash of mist, immediately lurching towards the nearest Avengers. 

“Assemble!” Storm cried, attacking a tentacle with a blast of lightning. A smell not unlike a fish fry filled the air.

“Eurgh, they’re slimy,” Giant Girl complained. At twenty feet tall, she was almost brushing the ceiling, and the tentacles seemed to have pinpointed her as the greatest threat. “Ew, ew, ew.”

“Yeah, and they like you, GG,” Spider-Man said, yanking a tentacle away from Bruce with his web shooter.

Steve ducked one tentacle’s swipe at his head and repelled another with his shield, grunting at the force of it. No sooner had he beaten it to a pulp than he turned to see most of the tentacles already felled-- from the looks of things, kudos mostly to Storm’s lightning, Iron Man’s repulsors, and Logan’s claws.

The rest were still occupied with Giant Girl. “Bad touch, oh my gosh,” she cried, prying one off of her thigh. Logan sliced it to bits mid-air, and Spider-Man webbed the pieces to the wall so they wouldn’t hit Doctor Banner, who was cringing away from the carnage.

“Are you alright, Giant Girl?” Storm asked, landing gently. 

“I’m totally fine. I’ve just never been into hentai,” she responded. 

Spider-Man snickered. 

“What’s hentai?” Steve asked, watching the expressions on his team’s faces. Storm was nodding in agreement, a “seen too much” look on her face, Bruce was looking a little green at the ears, and Logan, well, Logan was just kind of smirking unsettlingly.

“Don’t ask, Cap,” Iron Man said firmly. “And for the love of country don’t Google it either. For the record, G, I’m with you on this one. It gets too close to life in this business.”

Steve restrained the urge to scowl. On the one hand, he hated being out of the loop. On the other, Iron Man had shown him so many bizarre, alarming, and outright disturbing things in the name of a cultural education that Steve was inclined to trust his word when he said something was too extreme.

“Let’s get going,” Logan said. “I got the feeling this is gonna take a while, and something about this place makes me wanna sneeze.”

“How should we try to navigate the maze?” Bruce asked, adjusting his glasses.

“Well, there’s one foolproof way to get out of a maze, although it’s also probably the longest path: if we keep one hand to the outside wall and follow it, it will eventually lead us out,” Iron Man said.

“Well, sure, but this is probably a magic maze. Who knows whether logic actually applies,” Giant Girl argued. “I think our best bet is to follow the challenges. This guy wants us to face them, and it’s not like we aren’t up to the task.”

“Or we could just cut through the walls until we find this punk,” Logan pointed out, releasing his claws. 

Storm cleared her throat. Everyone looked toward her, and she nodded at the path ahead. “There’s a three-way split ahead. It seems we can try all three.”

“I’m not so sure we should split up,” Steve frowned. “We don’t really know what we’re going to be dealing with here.”

“Normally I’d agree, but the Mall of America is like 90 acres,” Iron Man said. “Anything could be happening to the people that were in the Mall when it vanished-- that’s over 100,000 people we need to account for, and those are early estimates.”

They stopped at the intersection of the paths, and Storm thought it over. “Are everybody’s comms online?”

Everyone did a quick comm check, answering one by one in the affirmative. “Are you picking up any interference with the comms, Iron Man?”

“No,” he answered. “Not yet, anyway. Since we’re assuming this is magic, anything could happen.”

“Alright. Check-ins every ten minutes, and keep track of every turn you take in your communicator log so that you can send that information to the rest of the team if you need backup. That sound good, Captain?” Storm asked.

“Yes. Wolverine, you go with Bruce and Spider-Man to the left. Giant Girl, you go with Storm down the middle. Iron Man, you’re with me. Let’s get this done, Avengers.”

 

 

“Mark that down as another right turn, Giant Girl,” Storm said, looking unruffled, but slightly singed. That fire pit had been nasty, and Storm’s attempt to catch Janet with her wind had whipped up the flames.

Janet dutifully did so. “You know, I was really hoping this would be more fun riddles, less deadly traps,” she complained.

“It seems that whoever was behind this didn’t have the brains to come up with riddles for us, tragically.”

“Not so, ladies,” a silky, unctuous voice seemed to emanate from everywhere at once. Jan and Ororo stopped, sharing a long glance. “If it’s riddles you want, riddles you’ll get.”

The maze started to grind and shake. 

“It’s moving,” Storm said, with a tone like she wanted to say a bad word instead. 

Purple mist exploded into the air around them, obscuring anything more than half a foot ahead of their noses. Jan lurched sideways, grabbing Ororo’s hand before she could lose track of her in the commotion. 

As quickly as it came, the mist vanished; the shaking subsided. Straight ahead of them, a wall that had been solid was now a massive stone entryway with gruesome twisted lion faces carved on either side. The lion faces, of course, spoke.

"My hunger grows every nine years  
My thirst sated by youthful tears  
Slain but I live on.

In the labyrinth we meet  
Your fate or my defeat  
Destroy me or feed me.

Prize in the middle  
Now answer the riddle  
Name me or face me."

“Uhh,” Jan said. “Call me crazy, but I don’t like how that sounds.”

“Your answer?” that smooth voice asked. 

“Ororo?” Jan squeezed her hand. 

Ororo shook her head, grimacing helplessly. “I don’t know,” she said. 

“Looks like you ladies don’t know your classics,” the voice said, a nasty grin audible. “And as such, you’re doomed to fight them.”

 

“Why is it that I always seem to have to deal with you two?”

“It’s a reward for your good deeds,” Spidey said, crawling along the wall.

“And your happy attitude,” Bruce muttered.

“I am a ray of sunshine, bub,” Logan said, giving Bruce the stink eye.

Bruce was unimpressed. “You’re about as winsome and charming as my other side is.”

“Hey, Hulk can be charming,” Spidey interjected. “He really likes kids. And animals. And friendly neighborhood Spider-Mans. He lets me stick to him.”

“I’m just saying. Cap or Storm could put up with you two jokers every once in a while.”

“Well, sure, but then Cap and Iron Man wouldn’t be able to canoodle, or use goofy pet names, or whatever couple-y things they do when we aren’t around,” Spidey said. “And I’m pretty sure Storm and GG use these times to gossip about Thor.”

Logan stopped walking. “Cap and Iron Man.”

Spidey and Bruce slowed to a stop as well. “Yeah?” Bruce said.

“Canoodling.”

“Wow, I can’t believe you said that word.”

“You both think those two are screwing. For real,” Logan said dubiously.

Spider-Man cocked his head. “Janet says they are. Which, you know, but Storm says they are too.”

“Bub, if those two were canoodling, I would know it,” Logan snorted, and started walking again. “My sniffer always knows.”

“The nose knows,” Spidey whispered to Bruce, who sighed.

“Iron Man has an identity to protect,” Bruce said. “And it’s not like they don’t know about your powers. Maybe they’ve taken precautions against your… sniffer.”

Logan eyed him silently. Bruce squinted at him, quickening his pace to catch up.

“Wait-- can you smell who Iron Man is?” Bruce asked.

“I ain’t saying nothin’ about nothin’, and that’s that,” Logan grunted. “Oh look, a wall.”

Snikt. Snikt. 

Whatever the wall was made of, it came down easily enough under Logan’s claws, magic or no. On the other side there was a domed room. 

Stepping inside, Spidey realized the room was actually a big sphere-- the floor sloped in perfect match to the ceiling. There was a door on the exact opposite side of the room.

And then his Spidey senses went off. 

He found himself leaping to the wall and sticking there before he quite knew what was going on, just as the ledge Bruce and Logan were on slipped away out from under them, dropping them into the sphere.

And the room started whirling madly. 

 

Iron Man’s footsteps sounded heavily just in front of Steve. He stared at the back of Iron Man’s red and gold helmet, wondering what on earth he’d done to upset him. 

Maybe he hadn’t upset him. Maybe he was imagining it. Steve quickened his steps a little so that he was walking next to Iron Man instead of behind him, and turned to give his Shellhead a friendly smile. 

Iron Man was looking the other way, staring determinedly at the unchanging wall. As Steve watched, his footsteps slowed slightly until he was now walking behind Steve. 

Oh. 

“Shellhead?” he prompted. “Are you… alright?”

The helmet swiveled toward him. “Yep. Definitely.” Then back to the wall. 

“It’s just… you seem— quiet.”

“I’m just running some scans right now, trying to see if I can trace magical energy. It’s not working.”

“Oh, of course,” Steve said, and politely didn’t remind Iron Man of how much he’d teased Steve for his inability to multitask just two missions ago. “Did Mr. Stark talk to you about me?” he blurted. 

“What? No,” Iron Man denied, but Steve saw the way the joints of the armor had hesitated between steps, a full-body flinch hidden by the armor’s bulk. 

“He did, didn’t he?” Steve said miserably. “Gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make things awkward. He’s just so… well, wonderful.”

“Wonderful?” Iron Man sounded gobsmacked, even through the armor’s vocal filters.

Steve’s ears burned. “I know it’s inappropriate, and, well, obviously unwelcome. I shouldn’t have tried asking him out anyway. God knows he’s out of my league.”

“Out of your league?” Iron Man sounded downright strangled now, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 

Steve ducked his head. “This is really not the time to be discussing his,” he muttered, obscurely glad that Storm wasn’t here to see him being so unprofessional. 

“You’re right about that,” Iron Man admitted. “But Tony Stark is not out of your league.”

Something about his tone struck Steve the wrong way. “What do you mean by that?” he frowned. They took another turn, Iron Man’s right hand still trailing on the wall.

“Stark isn’t the kind of guy you want to get romantically involved with, Steve.”

Steve’s brow furrowed. “I know he has a certain reputation, but I hardly think the rumor mill is--”

“It’s not the rumor mill.”

“What is it, then?” Steve asked, more than a little irritated. 

“He’s just-- a door.”

“A door?” Steve repeated, baffled. 

Iron Man pointed. Steve looked up. Sure enough, about twenty feet down the path there was a low wooden threshold. The middle of the frame had a golden plaque on it, too far away for him to read.

He shared a glance with Iron Man. “Come on,” he said.

They came to a stop about four feet away from the entry and its plaque, reading the engraved words.

Here there is no north, west or east  
Nor weather fit for man nor beast

“Weather, huh.” Iron Man said. “Guess Storm should’ve come this way.”

“Onward ho, I guess,” Steve said, and stepped through the threshold. He had to duck his head to get under it. The room on the other side was only slightly taller; Iron Man had to stoop to keep his helmet from scraping on the ceiling. There was no visible exit.

“Ah, hell,” Iron Man said. Steve looked back. 

The door was gone.

“No going back now,” Iron Man said grimly.

Near immediately the temperature dropped, so starkly and abruptly that it hit Steve like a bucket of ice water.

“My lord,” Iron Man said. “Where is this coming from? You okay, Cap?”

“We need to find the exit,” Steve said, determined. “I have a feeling this is just the beginning.”

He had scarcely finished speaking when a frigid wind picked up, seeming to slice right through his scale mail. It escalated as quickly as the cold had, building near-instantly to a howling gale. “We need to solve the riddle,” he said, teeth chattering.

“No, we need to get you out of here,” Iron Man snapped. “The temperature in here has just hit the negative double digits. I’m taking Logan’s route,” he said, and fired his repulsors full force at the nearest wall.

It didn’t even shudder. Iron Man made a wordless sound that might have been a snarl under the suit’s vocal filter and fired missiles at the wall instead.

The explosion rocked the room, and provided a brief, painful flash of warmth, but faded without any further effect on the wall.

“Riddle,” Steve chattered.

“Okay, okay, right,” Iron Man babbled, and lurched over to pull Steve close to him, supporting his weight. “Here there is no north, west, or east, nor weather fit for man nor beast. No north, west or east, and the weather sucks, which we’ve noticed. One of the uninhabitable planets in our solar system? Neptune or Pluto, maybe-- Jupiter has the worst storms--”

“The North Pole,” Steve blurted. “The North Pole!”

The howling wind stopped.

The temperature, while still deeply uncomfortable to a half-frozen Captain America, had resumed something like the discomfort of a regular winter day. Iron Man, probably attempting to be comforting, was running his ice block metal hands up and down Steve’s arms. 

“Cold,” Steve gritted out. “Hands.”

“Oh! Hold on,” he said. Something clicked in the armor, and it began to radiate blissfully painful heat. “Let’s get you out of here, big guy.”

At that, Steve finally looked up. Across the room, another entryway had appeared.

As soon as they stepped through it, the temperature was entirely back to normal. Steve, however, couldn’t quite shake the shakes.

“Alright, let’s just… take a break,” Iron Man said, and guided Steve to sit down against the wall. Whatever kind of heater was in the armor, it was cranking out at full force.

After a few minutes, Steve forced himself to his feet despite the continuing chatters.

“Cap, you’re still shivering,” Iron Man hovered, concerned. “Are you sure--”

“I’m fine,” Cap cut him off brusquely. “It’s psychosomatic at this point. We need to keep moving.”

Iron Man sighed, but didn’t argue, following instead with his right hand resuming its trail on the outer wall. “I’m starting to think Giant Girl might have been right,” he said. “We’re pretty clearly dealing with some kind of magic nut. This maze could be moving without us noticing, or spelled to lead us to a certain spot.”

He sounded so disgruntled that Steve couldn’t help but smile a little. “Let me guess. You hate magic?”

“Hey, you said it.” Iron Man said mildly.

Being on his feet had Steve feeling a little more himself, although he still couldn’t quite feel warm. “Thanks for heating me up back there, Shellhead.” 

“Not a problem,” he responded. “And just so you know, I’m not trying to trash talk Tony Stark or anything. I know he’s your friend. It’s just that he’s a bit of a disaster, romantically.”

Steve sighed. “Again, what does that mean?”

“He’s just bad at it, Steve. Communication, openness, conflict resolution. That kind of stuff.”

Steve stopped dead. “Did you used to date him?”

“No!” Iron Man’s hands flew up in denial. “No way. Definitely not.”

Steve squinted at his friend. “That sounded pretty personal there, Shellhead.”

“Well, yes, but--”

A large pink blur bowled Steve over just as he neared a corner, smacking his head into the hard stone floor. “Ow,” he groaned.

“Oh, gosh!” the blur cried, its face resolving into Giant Girl’s. “I’m so sorry, Cap.” She hovered over him, helping him sit up with a hand on his back.

“It’s fine,” Steve said. “My helmet caught the worst of it. We’re glad to see you, actually.”

“You won’t be,” Giant Girl responded, shooting a nervous look over her shoulder. 

Storm came flying around the corner, her eyes aglow. She only narrowly missed crashing into Iron Man the way Giant Girl had hit Cap. “Get up, it’s coming!” she cried.

“What’s coming?” Iron Man hauled Steve up by his arm.

The answer to that question barrelled through the corner wall with an ear-shattering roar.

“Ghost minotaur,” Storm said. Her white hair billowed around her as she directed a vicious gust at the thing-- the minotaur-- that was barrelling through her winds. “We can’t hit it!”

“But it can hit us!” Giant Girl finished, pushing them behind her.

“Now that’s just not fair,” Iron Man said, and shot into the air, blasting it with his repulsors. The ghostly minotaur shook its massive bull head and snarled, focusing its strange dull eyes on everyone’s favorite red-and-gold distraction. 

“It didn’t love that,” Iron Man noted. “Storm, your lightning--?”

“Does nothing,” she confirmed. “The only thing that even inconveniences it is the wind, and that hardly.”

The minotaur charged at Iron Man. Cap dove out of the way. Iron Man blasted it with the repulsors at full force until the very last second, when he shot over the spectral beast’s head. “Olé!” he cried.

“Come on, Cap,” Giant Girl said. “Let’s head back your way.”

“There was a trap that way. I don’t know if it’ll let us back through,” he warned.

“Me neither, but that thing nearly got us heading the other way,” Storm said. “We were slowed down by the walls trying to crush us; it wasn’t.”

“I’ll keep it back, you guys move,” Iron Man said. He was playing bullfighter in earnest now, goading the beast into attacking and dancing out the way just in time. It really didn’t like the repulsors, for some reason, although they didn’t seem to hurt it either.

Iron Man kept the line on the way back into the storm room, which Steve was dreading with a crawling sort of tension. The minotaur, although formidable, was certainly not terribly intelligent, and never seemed to figure out Iron Man’s maneuvers. 

“We’re here,” Steve said, ducking inside the exit to the storm room. He had to bite back a swear when he did. Sure enough, the entry he and Iron Man had come through had not reappeared.

“We’re going to have to fight it here,” he said grimly. “Any ideas?”

“Just one,” Iron Man said, swooping around a corner. “Cap, toss your shield-- see how this thing reacts to vibranium.”

Steve let the shield loose, aiming it to go through the minotaur with three different ricochets. It stamped its feet each time the shield passed through, but seemed most infuriated by the clang of the vibranium on the labyrinth walls.

“A sonic attack,” Storm called out. “Iron Man?”

“I’ve got it,” he said, and three floating discs detached from his armor. They surrounded the infuriated minotaur, which shook its head at them as if they were flies.

Distracted from Iron Man, the minotaur turned its attention to the other Avengers-- and began to charge.

Iron Man’s sonic assault went off as a wavering, high-pitched screeching tone, blisteringly loud to Steve’s enhanced ears. He covered them as the ghost minotaur went down, crashing in a way that somehow managed to shake the ground. The minotaur thrashed, its bull ears pressed flat against its skull.

Iron Man didn’t let up. The attack increased in pitch and intensity until Storm and Giant Girl also covered their ears, pressed back against the door of the storm room. Finally, blessedly, the noise became so high-pitched that it passed out of the human range of hearing, and the minotaur dissipated with a final spectral roar.

“Thank god,” Steve exhaled, dropping his hands.

“What?” Janet asked. 

“My ears are ringing,” Storm grimaced. “Uh-- roaring?”

“No,” Iron Man said, landing lightly. “I believe that’s the Hulk.”

 

“Hulk, wait! Calm down, buddy!” Spider-Man cried, clinging to the walls as the room began to spin on every axis. 

“Hulk motion sick!” the green giant roared. “Stop ride now!”

“I’m trying, big guy,” Spidey promised, and dropped from the wall with a yelp as Logan came flying at him-- claws out. “Watch it with those things!”

Logan grunted as his claws dragged along the wall with a nails-on-chalkboard screech, finally managing to dig one in to stop his freefall. Unfortunately, the room continued to spin in such a way that he was sent flapping around like a flag.

Hulk was a wrecking ball, leaving cracked indents in the wall with every crash and roaring incessantly. 

“Hold on hold on hold on,” Spidey chanted, webbing up a handhold for the Hulk. He smacked into it with a very disgruntled splat, and immediately started pounding the wall next to him with his massive fists. 

“Get us the heck out of here,” Logan snarled.

The wall quickly crumbled away under the force of the Hulk’s nausea, revealing a massive underground room. The room spun slowly to a halt.

“That looks like something,” Spidey said.

Hulk threw up.

 

Storm’s communicator beeped. “Hey, Storm?”

“It’s Spider-Man,” she told the group. “How are you holding up?”

“We found the mechanism of the maze, we think,” he said. “Inasmuch as it’s a mechanism, that is. It’s obviously magic. Big glowing purple gem.”

“How did you get there?”

“We Hulked through the floor,” he replied. “And then Hulk hulked his breakfast. Whoever built this thing sent us on a spinny ride.”

“Down it is. Giant Girl, if you wouldn’t mind?” Storm pointed at the floor, beckoning the others back.

“I wouldn’t mind at all, Stormy.” Giant Girl grew as much as she could, nearing thirty feet stooped over the spot Storm pointed at on the floor. 

Her massive blows first cracked, then crumbled, then finally broke through the floor, shaking what felt like the entire labyrinth with each hit. She shook her hand when the first hole appeared, brushing stone dust off her knuckles.

“I’ll tell you what,” she said, peering into the darkness. “Mazes have really lost their appeal for me.”

 

The giant purple gem, as it turned out, housed the alleged mastermind of the Maze of America: the Enigma. 

A seventeen-year-old with an Asgardian Norn Stone.

“What on earth did you want to do all this for anyway, huh?” Logan demanded, leading the kid out in heavy-duty SHIELD cuffs. 

“I wanted to beat the Avengers,” the kid snarled. “I wanted to be the one to outsmart you! Everyone thinks you’re so great.”

“We are kind of great,” Jan said. “Ororo’s hair is perfect.”

“More importantly, where did you get a Norn Stone?” Cap asked sternly, giving the teenager his patented “you-have-disappointed-America” face. 

Even this brat wilted under Captain America’s disapproval. “Some guy gave it to me. None of your business,” he muttered.

Everyone shared a look. “Loki,” they said all at once.

“I’m calling Thor this time,” Iron Man said. “He has got to get ahold of this guy.”

Around them, the maze had faded into the air, illusion dissipating without its power source. The Mall of America was slowly reappearing, dazed shoppers wandering out of purple mist.

“At least I got to see Giant Girl’s giant jugs,” the punk sneered, leering at a ten-foot-tall Jan.

She shot to her feet, face darkening. “You little slug--”

Cap leapt forward, throwing his arms in front of her. “He’s not worth it, Giant Girl.”

“Oh, come on!” she snarled. “I was just gonna flick him a little.”

Cap gave her an exceptionally dry look. “What, through a wall?”

The burgeoning argument was cut off by a sizzling sound and a yelping shriek. When they looked back, ‘the Enigma’ was writhing on the floor, whimpering, “Oh my god, that hurt!”

Everyone looked at Storm, who was gazing up at the sky through the Mall’s distant glass ceiling.

“Oh dear,” she said, smiling serenely. “It seems there was a little extra ambient static in the atmosphere.”

Logan snorted. Janet giggled. Cap had his face in his hand, but he was smiling into the red glove.

“Hulk not see anything,” the Hulk rumbled, “but knock-off Riddler deserved it.” Janet patted his bulging forearm fondly.

SHIELD agents began to swarm the Mall, and Logan passed the Enigma off to them. “On that note,” he said, turning to Cap. “Maybe you two can settle something.”

“What’s that?”

“Spidey says that you and Shellhead are together. I told him my nose would have noticed if you were.”

“Wait, what?” Steve said, staring blankly. “Why on earth would you think that?”

Jan shrank down to her normal height. “Hold on a hot second,” she said. “Are you saying you two aren’t dating?”

“No, we aren’t. Really,” Steve said at her dubious look. “I don’t know where you guys got that idea.”

“Probably something to do with the way you two are always running off together,” Logan grinned with the smugness of a man proved right.

“We’re not always…” Steve trailed off, thinking.

“No, you guys always team up. Always,” Spider-Man said.

“Definitely always. Ultron, Loki, Morgan le Fay, that second thing with Loki… whatever the heck your ‘Paris adventure’ was.” Giant Girl counted off on her fingers. “I mean, Paris. How was anyone supposed to think that wasn’t romantic?” 

“He wanted to see the Louvre!”

“Paris,” Jan emphasized.

“Storm?” Cap pleaded. “Please tell me one of you knew better.”

Storm smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, Captain.” 

He groaned. “So you all thought we were… knocking boots.”

“Not just us,” Storm said. “Batroc sent a letter apologizing for trying to set you up when you were already in a relationship with, well. With Iron Man. He thought.”

“You’re being pretty quiet, Shellhead,” Jan teased. “Surely at least you knew you weren’t dating.”

Iron Man was quiet a little too long, and Janet’s smile dropped. “Iron Man?” she asked.

“No, I knew. I just… need to talk to Steve. In private.”

Despite the seriousness in Iron Man’s voice, he refused to speak further until they were back at the Tower, leaving the mood in the Quinjet strange and fraught with tension. 

It wasn’t until Steve was coming out of his shower, dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, that Iron Man approached him at all. 

“Can I come in?” he asked, standing stiffly in Steve’s doorway.

“Of course.”

Iron Man closed Steve’s door behind him, and took a slow breath. “I have something to tell you,” he said.

“Iron Man--” Steve started, but Iron Man held up a finger to stop him. And triggered the manual releases under his helmet.

“Tony Stark,” Steve said numbly, dropping onto the edge of his bed.

“Yes,” Tony said, looking terribly guilty. “Now you know. Cap, I-- I’m sorry. I never should have kept this from you as long as I did, I just didn’t know what you would think.”

“I don’t know what to think,” Steve said, frowning. “You let me gush about you to yourself-- I suppose there wasn’t a good way for you to say no when I didn’t even know it was you-- and, of course, I’ve made you reject me twice,” Steve groaned. “Jeez. I really am sorry, Shellhead.”

“Well,” Tony said, and dropped onto the bed next to him. His hand touched Steve’s, very tentatively. “It was less that I wanted to reject you, and more that I didn’t want to lie to you on a date,” he said.

Steve blinked rapidly, his heart soaring. 

“I was thinking,” Tony smiled sweetly. “Would you like to get dinner with me sometime?”

“I’d be delighted,” Steve smiled back.


End file.
